I haven't posted on this blog since August?!? Gah. Time flies when.... well, it flies.  This year is about at an end. Amazing to think of, since it's been such a whirlwind. I found myself heading towards December while barely realizing it. Maybe that's because I've been a little pre-occupied, lately.

If you read this, you'll know I was in the hospital for a while. Things caught up with me, and I managed to have a case of bad pneumonia knocking on my door. The scariest day was the moment I was lying in that bed, and all I could think was "I can't take another breath". It's incredible, the way everything else in your life is put into perspective when all you want is to be able to inhale. Well, I wasn't able to. I passed out, not knowing whether I'd wake up (I assumed I wouldn't if someone didn't find me quick, although I was okay with that).... and sometime over the next few minutes God apparently decided to keep me alive, because a medical team found me, moved me, hooked me up on a machine that would breathe for me while they kept pumping meds and other stuff into me to keep me hydrated and deal with the PCP.

And yet, when I came to, just after I started breathing on my own, I learned a couple things that'll always stay with me.... I know what it means now to let go and let God do his own thing. I've never been FORCED, before that day, to give my life completely over to anyone other than me. I was. If you don't believe, you'd say that a medical team saved me rather than God. Either way, it was a surrender that required a leap of faith and more than a degree of trust, and I made that leap... and in leaping, I didn't fall. I was caught, safe. The other thing I learned, on waking up, is that love is more powerful than I thought. While I was out, there were people praying, people doing practical, caring things that would make things easier for me and my family, there were people who never left the room, people who came in every day, people who sent warm messages and prayers and friendship and positive thoughts from far away. It convinced me that the idea that man is inherently selfish and sinful is dead wrong. It made me grateful for the love that we humans are able to feel. I even learned something about being forgiven -- I had a couple conversations that reunited me with others in a very big way.

So now I'm getting through all of this, I'm more than on the mend from this one, and I want to use what I've learned -- the surrender and the love -- to reach out to others. I don't know how much longer I've got. Doctors have told me that another bout with pneumonia like that would finish me off, so I'll be on anti-PCP meds from here on in. I still feel tired. I still feel like I've been hit with a Mac truck, but I'm also okay. When someone asks me "how are you feeling?" (a verrrrry common question these days, it seems...) my answer is going to be "thankful to be here, and looking forward to 2008."

This next year has a lot of opportunities in it. Time to spend with friends and family, joking and teasing to partake in, studying and learning to do, relationships to build. Not everyone gets a new year. Because of faith, because of modern science, because of family and friends, because of love and probably because of lots of rest, I'm able to go into this new year, and I won't take it for granted. Merry Christmas, happy New Year, and God bless, people.

I joined the Conservative Party of Canada today. I actually sent in for a membership card. It's a step I've been wanting to take for a while. I also feel sick to my stomach today, VERY sick to my stomach, and very nauseated and tired, but I'll chalk that up to medication rather than to the political change. Heehee. At any rate, it's a good change for me. I now officially support a party that's in line with my own ideas, and being back in sync like that is fun.

As for the stomach issues....

God grant me the serenity
to change the things I can (with pepto bismol or gravol)
to accept the things I can't (after which I'll lie down)
and the wisdom to know the difference (as I run down the hall for the 15th or so time today)

I was thinking today about how much I've changed over the last several months. It's happened slowly, but my thinking's aligning itself more and more with ideas I'd either previously discounted, or never considered... and it's interesting to me. I embrace it. I'm getting more conservative, for one thing... and I never counted on that. Conservative values just seem to have a backbone that liberalism really doesn't. I don't dislike liberals, but I can't describe myself as someone with views "on the left" anymore. I thought long and hard about that today. I'm libertarian on a lot of issues. I should explain that my "liberal", "conservative" or "libertarian" I don't mean the official political parties. I mean the "small letter" descriptions, not affiliated with a party but instead affiliated with a general sentiment.

Politically, it's entirely possible to be a more conservative libertarian, but I don't much like labels these days, and I think I'll go with the maxim that labels belong on jars and cans, not people. If I could describe my views, though....

I'd vote according to my conscience. My conscience happens to be more conservative minded on most issues, but not all. I think it's the faith I've adopted and started to grow in that's been influencing me.... that, and many friends I've made along the way who have made me think and who have forced me to change my perceptions. It's hard to put into words exactly how my political and philosophical ways of thinking HAVE changed, but... it's a feeling I've got. I guess I can't pin it down, at least tonight. I just know it's there. The decisions I make now tend to be more based on what I'd now call 'objective truth'. Ie, God exists. He's got certain standards and He doesn't want us to ignore all of them in the name of political correctness. I used to think there was a lot more subjectivity, a lot more room for "anything goes"... and I just don't see that anymore. Even in myself, there's a change.... a change in the way I prefer to spend my time, a change in the people I like to spend time with... it's different.

Concrete example. I watched a gay pride parade the other day.

- Last year at this time, I'd have been cheering.
- This year, I went out to support my friends.... and thought "what am I DOING here?" I saw my friends, and gave them hugs and said hi, but I really didn't want to celebrate anything at all. I didn't feel like cheering. I didn't cheer. I watched, I said hi, gave out hugs, but..... I don't think I'll be there next year. I saw so much that, a year ago, I wouldn't have minded. And now I do. And if you know me well, that would really surprise you because it sure as heck surprised me. I thought I was one of this crowd for several reasons, and it struck me that somehow, either I'd booted myself from it, or God had, and that's what surprised me.

Just stuff like that.

Maybe it's an emotional reaction. It's only happened lately, since I got diagnosed, so it almost makes sense. Maybe it's me saying "I feel insecure and a return to tradition would mean stability, so I'll support anything that makes me feel stable again."

I've just been a lot quieter, lately. My convictions are changing. I'm not sure I like it, and I'm not always sure what to make of it, but c'est la vie. That's life, and here goes, right? If I'm changing because God's changing me, I'm happy. If I'm seeking security and I'm finding it more and more in tradition and faith and family values then that's fine with me, I'd rather it be that then something far more alien and lonely.

Carpe diem.